Friday, August 3, 2012

Nothing to see here...

Honestly, you probably don't want to read this. But I need to write it to get it out of my head.

Every day I feel worse.  Not like I'm coming down with a cold or something like that. I feel worse about myself on an emotional level. I feel less and less valuable every day. I keep waiting for things, bad things, to happen because I just can't see how they AREN'T going to happen.  Pretty much every day I burst into tears at some point.

I don't have friends I can talk to about it and I wouldn't want to burden anyone with it if I did have friends to talk to about it. I feel like Cinderella, knowing that there is a magnificent ball happening at the palace and knowing that I am not invited.  But I don't have helpful mice or a pumpkin coach and I sure as heck don't have a fairy godmother and even typing about this now, my chest is tightening and I feel vaguely nauseous and overwhelmingly sad.  I want to be invited to the Ball. To at least be able to stand at a window of the palace and see the finery within. But I'm not invited & know I am unwelcome.

I've never been part of the "in crowd".  The last few years I haven't owned a TV and so when office talk would turn to the latest episode of American Idol I had nothing to add to the conversation. It was very isolating (even though, frankly, I have ZERO interest in American Idol).

I remember that the last time I felt like this was March 2010. There seemed to be only one way to make things any better.  If I get the news I am expecting, I know what the best option will be.  I suppose that, once upon a time in my youth I was resilient.  Not so much anymore.  Small things cut much more deeply than they should and the comforting words that were present when I was younger are fewer and farther between these days. It has become more difficult for me to believe everything will be ok.

Off now to do some research... Errands to run tomorrow, want to make sure I get everything I need. Won't be time to do extra running around on the weekend and the clock is ticking!

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