Friday, July 31, 2009

Company Picnic = Bane of My Existence

Once again it the time of year that employees worldwide dread... Second only to the "Holiday Party' is the "Company Picnic".

And worse, my company has decided to inflict this horror on us on a Saturday. We see these people 5 days a week, at least 8 hours a day, why would we choose to spend our weekend with them?

Oooh! Team Building Exercises. That "family" feeling. Bleah! I don't have kids of my own for a reason, people... Please, please, don't make me hold your babies. Don't make me want to critique your parenting skills (I'm kindve an asshat that way)

Even better... they put me, the person who can't be exposed to sunlight and who projectile vomits when confronted with charcoal grilled food, in charge of planning this catastrophe. And honestly, I hope it absolutely pours rain tomorrow so I don't have to execute this whole thing. Except it will probably come back to haunt me at some point (in the form of "rain date")

There are a number of people who aren't coming... There will be a couple of little babies there. There will be tweens and teens. In other words, it is going to be a nightmare. And my "team" has been as unhelpful as they can possibly be. And a boss who thinks that withholding people's bonus checks until they come to the festivities is a good idea. Bonus checks that I am not eligible to receive do not motivate me to spend time with people who have made it perfectly clear that I am not "one of them" on what SHOULD be a day off that I am not getting paid for nor am I getting comp time for.

So... hope for rain folks... I know I am.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Let me drop everything and work on YOUR problem

Dear Deluded Co-Worker,

It has come to my attention recently that you do not understand some very basic principles. First and foremost, let me make it crystal clear that YOU are not my boss. You may think it's macho to try to bark orders at me. I will even admit that, in the culture of your homeland, it may be expected that you bark orders at a "lowly" female. However, doing so only makes me resent you and will not make your requests get fulfilled any faster.

Secondly, a lack of planning on your part does not create an emergency for me. There are things that take time and you hounding me does not speed things up. In fact, being interrupted to answer your inane questions actually slows things down.

Lastly, on a day I am busy, I may or may not get to your request the same day. Asking me if I have completed your request 10 minutes after you made it when it's an hour long task and you've asked at 4:40 in the afternoon when I am scheduled to leave at 5:00 and have several very high priority lengthy tasks from my actual boss in queue ahead of your requests means you will only be disappointed. I'm doing the best I can, I have a task given to me by my boss on Monday that I haven't even started yet. Frown at me all you want, it isn't going to change my priorities.

Not your slave, so dream on,

Thursday, July 2, 2009

An Etiquette Note for my friend's clueless boss...

Greetings Clueless Employer,

As you may recall, my friend is attending a family function connected with the death of a family member. My friend is not on "vacation". As such, it would be proper and respectful for you to NOT CALL and ask, again, when my friend will be back to work when my friend CLEARLY stated in the last phone conversation that you had that s/he'd return on Monday. (I am being inclusive here).

Seriously, what sort of person calls someone attending a FUNERAL to whine about how hard they are working whilst you are away having a gay ol' time burying your deceased family member? I knew before this that you were a self-centered asshat but, honestly, this really takes the cake.

My friend told you they'd be back at work on Monday. No, they will not take "on call" the second they touch down at the airport. Let's recall, shall we, how my friend stepped in and took YOUR on-call weekend when you had a family emergency. How soon we forget.

Before you write your next review dinging someone for not being a "team player" and not "realizing we're all in the same boat", I would like to bring to your attention that sitting on your ass, at a desk, barking orders and issuing missives is not "working hard" and you are fooling no one. Or at least no one at the local office. I will not go into how your superior "oral skills" may be benefitting you at the corporate level.

You didn't call in anyone to help when my friend's co-worker went on vacation, you didn't call in anyone to help during your little family emergency (when my friend's co-worker called at 7:30 in the morning in hysterics and needed to be "talked down" from quitting right then and there), so just because you have to, perhaps pitch in and work for a change doesn't make this a crisis worthy of you calling my friend during their time of bereavement.

Hate & Pinches,
Ms. Cleanslate