Thursday, March 19, 2009

Stepping out of the lunch line

Come take a walk down Memory Lane with Ms. Cleanslate...

If we go back to grade school, I think we find where this all began. I was never a popular kid. I was always taller and bigger than most of the other kids. Plus, I came to the state I live in now when I was 6 and was always quite vocal about how I am not FROM here, not catching the fact that saying that tended to make the natives quite hostile.

Going to a boarding school when your parents aren't "somebody" and when your family doesn't have money and all of your college money is going towards paying tuition and your parents not understanding or caring that you not having the money to go out like the other kids do is a SERIOUS social crippler. And again, I wasn't svelte nor willing to puke up all of my meals to fit in.

So, I think it's safe to say that I have pretty much a lifetime of social awkwardness under my belt.

Back to the present day... I am working at a VBC and my workgroup goes out weekly. They talk shop at lunch and because I am not a programmer or an engineer, I will admit to being completely lost and having absolutely NOTHING to contribute to conversations. Add to that the fact that I don't own my own vehicle so have to hitch a ride with someone and complete the picture of awkwardness.

So, I am now attempting to come up with some acceptable reasons for skipping these lunches. If I drove, I'd just sortve slip out to run errands when it was lunchtime. I am thinking that perhaps just saying that there is naught but dustbunnies in my wallet might work. In any case, I just think it would be better for everyone if I stopped trying to fit in.

Which leads me to my next musing.. I'm getting older now and wonder if I will ever stop caring about what other people think and about fitting in. I've never really made peace with being a loner. I sortve pretend that I'm ok with it, but I spend alot of time feeling awkward and trying to fight back tears and it's very draining to try so hard and know that you are just NOT going to be "one of them"... ever.... EVER. I think some of it has to do with accepting one's lot in life. Admins usually do not have peers because most offices have one Admin. It is the nature of the job. I don't have a degree so there's really not somewhere "up the ladder" for me to go and there isn't the money nor the time to go and GET a degree.

So, I think it's time to step out of the lunch line and embrace the Lone Admin status once again.

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