Thursday, April 7, 2011

In which I try to talk myself out of a panic...

I've never been particularly fond of performance reviews. I'll admit that even though I know I shouldn't, I take most criticism very personally and because I feel that my work is an extension of myself, it's hard for me to separate criticism of my work from criticism of me as a person. It's been two weeks since the 90 day probation period was up at work and I FINALLY mentioned it today and heard the words I'd been dreading "well, then... I guess it's time to sit down and have a review".

Oh crap....ohcrapohcrapohcrap! The panic has set in... I find myself reviewing everything I've done, wondering if I've done something wrong or bad or not right. I kick myself for saying anything. I worry that they're going to tell me that they really don't like me. I worry that the enjoyment of this job has just been me deluding myself. I worry that they don't think I am as competent as I believe myself to be. Basically, my mind is throwing at me every bit of criticism I've ever gotten in past reviews and it has my stomach in knots.

But then.... they let me sign up for a seminar today. That they're paying for. And it's in June. So, maybe they're not going to tell me I suck and should be scrubbing toilets with my toothbrush in the bus station bathroom.

If I were reviewing myself, I guess I'd cite that I can be unfocused sometimes. That maybe I should work harder on my accounting skills. That maybe I should try harder to solve problems myself. I'd probably pick on the fact that I can be chatty (which is funny, because I had a boss who chided me for not being friendly/chatty enough). Ok, so... what would I tell me I'm doing well? I'm, ummm, I'm tactful even when sometimes I don't want to be. I make good coffee. My desk is neat. Yeah, you see the problem there? Way too many negatives, way too lame positives. Which is why the panic comes washing over me.

So... I guess I get to sit and stew about this for a while. Maybe the boss will forget (I hope). Maybe I can work on my weaknesses and make improvement so by the time she remembers, I won't be such a hot mess.

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