Saturday, August 29, 2009

Taste the rainbow... of PANIC!

So... I have told you that I now have to do all this sanitizing in the office so people don't get the flu. I am thinking that body disposal (of co-workers who contract said flu) would probably fall into the "other duties as assigned" heading on my job description.

Trying to think of ways I can parlay panic into an advantage for myself, I hit upon the notion that one of the nastier parts of my job is washing the coffee cups. Even if I am using soap, there's the fact that the water in the sink I use never gets above lukewarm, so the amount of actual sanitizing that happens is minimal. Of course, I COULD dip the cups in a nice bleach solution but then I'd just hear about how the coffee tastes funny and these folks are HARDCORE about the taste of their coffee so bleachy coffee would likely be right out. So, I'm thinking... can I get them to sacrifice the "green" factor of reusable cups for the sanitary factor of not dealing with other employee's saliva? If so, then one of the bigger nasty parts of my job would be gone. Huzzah.

But we also got to see the "pandemic" plan for the complex we work in which has a handy colour-coded chart and all sorts of instructions on how to keep the place running with a skeleton crew of folks who, I guess, will have to walk through some sort of bleach solution and have their orifices scrubbed with a boar bristle brush before they are cleared to get to their workstations every day. If I am reading the plan correctly, you would come in through the designated entrance, undergo some sort of probing to see if you are diseased, if your colon is clear of diseased ecoli, you can then proceed to your workstation but you may not have any contact with the outside world during the day without slipping into a body condom, gloves, sterile hat and facemask. I am envisioning a uniform like this:

They would probably prefer that sanitized employees just stay in the building but since they don't plan on having any sort of food service nor will they allow anyone in to stock the vending machines, I would envision something like this ensuing...

or even this:

Which is to say that while the flu may not be pretty, tech folks held hostage without any junk food may be even less pretty.

We'll see how it goes. I imagine they'll all go out and get their flu shots or, ya know, maybe they'll just have some dude in a pith helmet come and shoot folks in the ass with flu vaccines. Ya know, I might volunteer for THAT gig!

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