Back to the waiting game...

I had an interview this morning. First interview in 2 weeks. I want this job. I am absolutely terrified that I am not going to get this job and if you cannot get a job that SCREAMS "good fit" then what do you do?

It's an industry I haven't worked in before. You know what? The industry (which I won't name here) is so specific that there just aren't going to be a lot of people who are not scientists who HAVE worked in the industry. In the past decade I have learned legal and medical terminology, I taught myself HTML and some CSS, I learned 3 new (to me) software packages and was doing front-line phone support for them in a WEEK. I am not some idiot who just fell off a turnip truck and I can do this job.

I am supposed to hear something about this job today. It's 3PM and I've not heard anything. As the clock ticks toward 5, I become more and more anxious.

I want to reset the counter. It's getting close to 90 days. And November is coming, which means businesses are going to stop hiring until after the 1st of the year.

The waiting... is the hardest part.

Maybe she was right...

In 1992 I was told by an efficiency expert brought in to the place I was working that I was in the wrong field and needed to get out immediately. I was five years into the career that I remain in to this day. I was told that I was absolutely lousy at what I was doing and that I could never hope to be a success at it. I had (and still have) no other skills.

Most of the time, I have felt that this person was wrong and that I AM good at what I do. Or, at least, I am not a dismal failure at it.

But there are days, like today, when I look at it all and wonder if maybe she was right. That maybe I do completely suck at what I do even though I've been doing it for a long time now.

I have no idea what else I could have done or what I could do now that's different.

Maybe she was right. Maybe I should have listened. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking I am capable. Maybe after a good nights sleep it will look better in the morning.

The State of MsCleanslate

I've been neglectful, but it isn't willfully, my friends. A check of the ticker in my sidebar will show you that I am still not working, so I haven't been distracted by a new job.

No, I've been distracted by dealing with the job hunt. Whilst I am being asked to take tests to measure my integrity, I am dealing with people who I honestly believe have no clue what that word means.

Potential Employers... you aren't doing ANYONE favors when you tell people you'll "call them either way" and then never contact them. Believe me, I will remember every single business that did this to me and I will never do business with them AND I will tell whomever my employer is to never do business with them. Sure, that's a pittance in relation to your HUGE customer base, but it would have taken a 15-second email to keep my wrath at bay. It is shady ethically and it is JUST PLAIN RUDE.

To the lady at the agency who knew the second she saw me that she wasn't going to hire me but spent almost an hour with me anyways (and then never made any contact...I'm forgiving you for this because you could have told me "we filled the position" and shooed me out the door and you didn't), I know that you could have (and likely your boss thinks that you SHOULD have) done things differently and I thank you for your time and consideration most sincerely.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but I know once we hit November, hiring will enter a freeze period. I am feeling the crunch, I am being less selective in what I apply for even knowing I will likely regret the compromise in the long run. "Bird in the hand......." and all that.

It's funny... I've been to a dozen agencies now... maybe more. They've run the gamut from the debutante cotillion type of atmosphere ("we just simply are not sure that you have the proper pedigree to work here...") to the trailer park atmosphere (don't blink, we'll be packin' up and movin' on any day now...) Or maybe a better analogy is that I have been to both the Nordstroms and the Walmart of agencies. The thing they all have in common? None of them have any work for me.

So, that's where things are with me right now. Be Well.

When it stops working...

Since my job ended, I've found myself growing more and more depressed. Every rejection seems to hit a little harder, cut a little deeper. Every lead that just stops responding bothers me a little bit more. You'd think it would be the opposite, that I'd be getting used to the rejection but that's not what's been happening.

I've seldom left my home office except to sleep or use the powder room since Monday. And tonight it hit me that maybe that's part of the problem. The office is no longer a place of work, it's where I live.

And it needs to stop.

Experts tell you that if you have trouble sleeping that you should only use your bedroom for sleeping (and, well, other things that are legitimately bedroom activities... *ahem*) that way your brain gets trained to associate the bedroom with being a place you sleep. I would conjecture that the same lesson can (and should) apply to other areas of the home. I mean, certainly, there are rooms in the house that are meant to be multi-functional. And there are times when space constraints make it impossible to separate activities into specific rooms. (Ahh, how lovely it would be to have the money to have a house with a library and an office and a media room and a workout room...). But I think I'm losing my focus by living in the office.

So, I've cleaned off my desk and am going to try to turn over a new leaf. And try to actually be AWAY from the office a little more. I know it sounds counterintuitive to say that maybe I'll get more work done if I am in the office less, but I think that it will actually work out that way.

Full Standstill

So, the job that was moving glacially slow in hiring... has come to a full and complete STOP. I have heard the sum total of NOTHING since LAST Thursday. I think it's probably safe to say that I won't ever hear another peep about it. And that is something that I, as a professional person, just don't understand. How can you work with someone for three weeks and then, with no warning, just never contact them again? You know, if I had done something and had been escorted from the building in handcuffs or something, that's one thing. But nothing like that happened. I went and met with some people, people who I was told were not part of the hiring decision, and then... NOTHING.

There weren't awkward moments. There were no questions I couldn't answer. I am at a complete and total loss to explain how/why everything just STOPPED.

It's terribly hard to learn from an experience when you are given no feedback and when you cannot fathom what it is that you said or did that was so horrific that you just never hear from them again.

Oh well, guess I just gotta get on to whatever the next thing is, right?

It either happens or it doesn't...

So, the job that is moving glacially slow in hiring went to the next step this morning and I got to actually meet with real, live people and not just people on a phone.

There are... inconsistencies. I was told that this was a newly created position. When I was being introduced to everyone I was introduced as "A candidate for X's old job". Twice someone mentioned "...but I thought we'd hired someone for that position..." when I have been told that I am the sole candidate for the position.

There are some VERY worrisome aspects. The people in the office I'd be working in have no idea what the corporate office people are hiring someone to do. It was mentioned that they have no idea who would be training me or who would even have the TIME to train me. There was a brief mention of shipping me off to corporate "but I'm not sure how that would work, I mean, the company won't pay for it since you're just a contractor..." so now I am worrying about how I would afford a trip to a locale 1500 miles away.

And then there was the whole bit about what a nightmare it is to actually get hired on to the company I'd be a contractor for until they decide to hire me (IF they decide to actually hire me). And being told that you have to completely start over with the hiring process, re-apply for the job, be interviewed, go through all of the background checking and everything ALL OVER AGAIN.

I can't shake the bad feeling I have about this. So... it either happens or it doesn't. If it does, I hope they get their shit together. If it doesn't... then it doesn't. Back to the job boards...

Thanks but I'll do it myself....

I've been working with an agency on a job that is moving painfully slow. I just got the most aggressive, assholish email from the agency contact and you know what? Screw it. I'll find a job on my own. I don't need someone being an assclown because I have asked for clarification and they can't be bothered.

Enjoy the fact that you have a job, Mister Man.

I'll take back control of my destiny, thanks.