Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The times they are... crazy

I was recently discussing with someone who is fortunate enough to not need to bother with things like the job market that the "new thing" for employers is that even if you will never handle a dime of their money, they make you sign a waiver so that they can pull your credit report. Allegedly, if you are a deadbeat who can't pay your bills, you won't make a good employee. Which I don't understand because if someone gets laid off from their job unexpectedly and therefore has no income and can't pay their bills while they are desperately scrambling to become re-employed and then they happen to get behind on their payments (as is wont to happen when one has no income) then I would think that the defaulted credit would mean that the person would be motivated to get a job and make a good salary so that they can get things back on track. (And I realize that thinking that way is precisely why I have zero management potential).

Anyhow, the person couldn't believe that employers are doing that and I had to interject that with the market the way it is right now, an employer could say "I have a job for the first two people who will submit to a full body cavity search and a genital piercing of my whim" and people would be lined up for a mile AND bring their own latex gloves and dull, rusty needle for the piercing. And they would SMILE while Mr. Employer was elbow deep in their orifices and jabbing them with pointy metal objects and BEG for the opportunity to buff his balls to a deep shine.

Not only do they do credit checking but they do "comprehensive background checks" which include calling up your second grade teacher to inquire as to whether you ever kicked your nasty paste-eating habit, your clergyperson to find out how your church attendance has been for the last two decades and your drycleaner to make sure you never bring in clothing with questionable stains. There is also the drug screen, criminal background check and the unrelenting search for someone (usually an in-law fits the bill here) who will say you are a layabout who will never amount to anything and that's when you're not drunk by noon and jacked up on Mountain Dew, hookers and blow.

Whatever it is that it takes to get a job these days (the ability to suck start a Harley and modeling your Vicky's Secret lingerie whilst bent over an office copier probably doesn't hurt) I sure as hell don't seem to have it. I'd be willing to invest in a wonderbra and a set of kneepads if I thought it would help but it would be my luck to start getting interviews with cougars who haven't gotten desperate enough to consider batting for the other team once I made the investment.

Sending good vibes to all my fellow job seekers. That way you'll have goofy smiles on your faces and I'll sneak in and nab the jobs! (I jest) Take care in these crazy times!

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